The "People Power" Disability-Serious Illness-Senior Citizen Superbook:
Book 8. Death, Dying & Funeral Guide
(Hospice, Grief, Suicide, Money, Advance Directives, Living Will, Terminal Illness)
Table of Contents
Volume 1. Death & Dying: Goin’ Home
The Fear of Death
Preparing to Die/ End-of-Life Info
The Dying Process 1-4
Dying in Your Sleep
Death Commandments
The Near-Death Experience/ NDE
Survival After Death Websites
Death One-Liners
The Tibetan Books of the Dead/ Buddhist Thoughts on Death
Death in the Bible
Chapter 3. Death Related Issues
Autopsy for a Suspicious Death
Coroners/ Medical Examiners
Cryonics Info
Chapter 4. Who Decides Who Dies?
Euthanasia: The Right to Die
Do Not Resuscitate/ DNR
Right to Die/ Euthanasia Websites/ Assisted Suicide Websites
Assisted Suicide/ Suicide Tourism/ Travel to Die
Near Death in Intensive Care/ Critical Care
Life Support & Extraordinary Measures
Will to Live Form to Protect Your Life
The Legal Right to Die Muddle
Dying at Home by Choice
Dying at Home Websites
End of Life Websites
Adult Children, Death of Parents Websites
Chapter 6. Terminal Care Basics
Terminal Illness Websites/ Terminal Care Websites
Terminal Cancer Websites
Compassionate Use of Drugs for Terminal Patients
Chapter 7. Hospice Care/ Palliative Care
Hospice Care/ Palliative Care
Hospice Organizations
End-of-Life Websites
Hospice Websites/ Palliative Care Websites
State Hospice Agencies
Children’s Hospice Info
Widowhood Info
Deal With Grief
Grief Websites
Australia Grief Websites
British Grief
Canadian Grief Resources
The Compassionate Friends of Canada Local Offices
Grief Resources
Grief for Children Websites
Parents’ Grief For Children Websites
Gratitude Websites/ Thankful Websites
Suicide Info 1-2
Pro-Suicide Info
Suicide Websites & Resources
Suicide Survivors
Suicide Hotlines
Teen Suicide Info
Suicide Hotlines By State
Death Websites
Death Psychology Websites
Explain Death to Children
Death Resources
Before Death
Logistics of Death
Death Abroad
Losing One’s Mind/ Can’t Think For Youself
Advance Directives Info
Advance Directives Websites
Medical Incapacitation/ Living Will
Living Will Websites
Canadian Living Will Info
Living Will Form (Male)
Living Will Form (Female)
Chapter 3. Finances After Death
Death of Spouse Financial Issues
Widow Money Websites
Joint Survivor Benefits With the SSA
Survivor & Death Benefits
Federal Death Tax/ Federal Estate Tax
State Death Taxes
Finances After The Funeral
Chapter 4. Funerals: The Last Hurrah
Funeral Information
Funeral Arrangements
Prefinance Funeral Services
Explain Death to Kids
After The Funeral Websites
Caskets Info/ Coffins Info
Build a Coffin
Cemeteries Info
Cremation Services Info/ Cremation Websites
Direct Burial Info
Do-it-Yourself Funeral/ DIY Funeral
Whole-body Donation Programs To Science/ Anatomical Donation
Burial at Sea/ Full Body & Ashes
Natural Funeral/ Green Burial/ Eco Cemetery
Funeral Resources
Memorial Societies Info
Burial Benefits For Veterans
National Cemeteries For Veterans
Caskets For Sale/ Funeral Products For Sale
Cemetery Websites
Deliver a Funeral Eulogy
Funeral Websites
Funeral Home Websites
Funeral Insurance Info Websites
Burial Insurance/ Funeral Insurance
Chapter 7. Obituary/ Genealogy
Find Obituaries
Memorial Websites/ Online Obituary/ Online Legacy
Genealogy Websites
Australia Genealogy
Chapter 8. Canadian Funeral-Related
Canadian Funerals Info
Provincial Funeral Service Assns.
Provincial Licensing Departments For Funeral Services
Canadian Veteran’s Funeral
Volume 1. Death & Dying: Goin’ Home
The Fear of Death
The trauma of death in western society is that we see it as failure, as a tragedy when the truth is that in most cases it’s natural, a product of aging and illness.
The best way to deal with death is to look it in the eye and face it now so when your time comes, you’ll be ready and accept it freely and calmly.
The paradox of death is that everywhere we make it seem like a solemn, otherwordly event where the soul will go to heaven as with our funeral processions and massive streams of graveyards everywhere but on another level, invisibility and indifference are creeping in.
People are now getting cremated, there are less grand, dramatic funerals these days and overall, we simply act as though death doesn’t exist and go right on living, in denial until our time comes then we lose consciousness and the world continues on.
Death is very simple to an enlightened mind. Our culture generally tells us that life is good, death is bad but the truth is that death is a part of life, you will die so accept it now and when the reaper comes calling, welcome him and embrace him, especially if you've made it to the natural twilight of life, 70 or more years.
Death is no more traumatic than taking off an old coat. You've gone as far as you can go in this life now you have to release yourself and go to meet your God.
Death is poised midway between morbid fear and a trust in God for most of us. We fear a termination of our human consciousness but hope that God will be there to welcome us into Heaven when we cross over into that alleged, etheral other side.
Is it true? Nobody really knows except for the people who claim to have had incredible supernatural experiences but who of them can you believe?
I listened to Danion Brinkley enough on Coast-to-Coast Late Night Radio but in an unguarded moment, he has admitted that the spiritual feeling he got with his near-death experience has faded away.
I basically watched my mother deteriorate right before my eyes. How sad is that? What exactly can I do? Cry and destroy my life too or say she’s 83 years old. It’s a gift to make it to 83.
Then I talk to my sister and we talk about death. I hate thinking about it and talking about it.
I hope I live to 80 in good health then I fall asleep some night and pass peacefully without pain or the consciousness of knowing I will die in an hour or so.
Most of us intuitively know when our time is coming due to either illness or old age. We get our affairs in order, do our confessions to God and say good-bye to our loved ones.
Most of us don’t want to talk about death and prefer to live in denial around dying people, pretending they’re not dying when everybody knows they are.
We’re so in denial about it that we often don’t want to draft up wills, plan our estates or help our parents do it because it seems so painful.
Even though we generally go to hospitals to get better, most people agree that the hospital is the worst place to die.
If you know you’re going to die, many people are now opting to go home to be in a private setting with their family and friends.
Much of our fear comes from the fear of death, the fear that the most important thing to us will cease to exist forevermore, namely ourselves as consciousness so we create all kinds of gods and New Age phenomena to deal with this emptiness.
Dystovesky, the great Russian intellectual was once tied up to a firing squad ready to be shot when they got the order in the nick of time that he was to be pardoned but he never forgot that experience which drastically influenced his writings for the rest of his life.
The fear of death is probably the most incredibly overwhelming fear for just about everybody on the planet.
I've dealt with my fear of death by accepting my life for what it is and accepting death for what it is too, the end of the life cycle, finito, adios so my point is to get it through your head that you'll die someday on an ordinary day just like today, the world won't skip a beat and you'll feel miserable when you're old if you look back and see a generic wimp who lived by a script of a dull job, mortgage payments and TV and didn't do those things inside that really excited whatever passion you might have felt as a young dreamer which all of us are before the mundanity of the real world hits at about the age of 20.
My goal is to look back at the end and know I lived a good life just like I look back now and know that so far, I've lived a good life and I'll keep running with it for at least a little while longer.
I'm on borrowed time anyway, I should have been dead a long time ago based on a few car crashes I got into like the one time I flipped at least six times right over to the other side of the interstate down into the ditch landing upside down without a seatbelt on and walked away so it's all gravy to me after that.
I was doing 90 and swerved to avoid something I thought I saw on the road. I now know that speed kills and you can lose control in the twinkling of an eye which is why I don't speed anymore, because I don't wanna die not because I give a damn about cops.
I saw a woman on TV who lived through the early deterioration and death of her husband as a young man ravaged by leukemia, cancer of the blood. She said that death was a beautiful process, a part of the natural flow of the life force of the Universe.
We mustn't fight it and we shouldn't. We should accept it when it comes and face the inevitable in a dignified, peaceful way.
If you need God, it's fine to know that he'll be waiting for you on the other side with loving, open arms but beyond that, I live my life now and will be ready for the comfort of permanent sleep when it comes, hopefully, in due course, as a very old man.
I won't fight it when my time comes. I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I lived a great life reaching for my limits of experience so I'll just let it overtake me gently and go off into the ether of never-never land forevermore and it won't bug me because I've accepted my life as a time for living and then my death as a time to die.
It's the best you can do, simply accept your mortality. I've done my homework now by contemplating my old age and future death just as you should so you'll be that much more ready when the time comes.
If there's a spirit world as the New Agers claim, when you die, you'll be ready because your soul will be strong from a life well lived. If you believe in God, think as though you're part of a higher truth greater than yourself.
I objectify myself, step outside of my trivial little ego and say to myself that I'm living for a higher purpose, I'm an instrument of God, my soul is his creation and my purpose which I must live by no matter what.
I give over all of my pathetic personal self to my soul and say I can't help who I am, I must do what I feel inside and just keep goin'. If there is no God, at least you'll have the satisfaction during your later years to know that you were a good person who lived a pretty good life according to what you believed in as Ol' Blue Eyes used to say, My Way and that's as good as it gets.
Think as though you only have ten minutes to live and you're looking back on your life. What do you want to see? Did you live the life you wanted to live? Are you living that lifestyle right now?
Try to contemplate your last week alive in old age. In a hundred years from now, we'll all be dead and just a footnote in the history books of a bygone era. Nobody will give a damn about this era. It's ours and it's all we got.
This is your only shot. Get something out of it right now. The only thing that really matters is to live for soul which means that you go beyond the regular flatline to strive to find meaning and transcendence in it all.
Everybody seems to think that there's something going on somewhere else but the truth is that it's going on where you sit right now as an independent, autonomous receptacle of thought.
If you've got your health, a roof over your head and some free time to do what you want, that's about as good as it gets.
On the day I die, I'll give anything for more time but it'll be too late which is why I value my time now then when it comes, it'll be like Van Gogh said, die as though you're living in the fullest splendor of the noonday sun but more importantly, live now because it's all you got.
If you work your butt off for that illusory lifestyle at retirement, there's a good chance you might kick off before you ever get there but even if you don't, there's a good chance you're destroying your most vital years now so that by the time you get there, you'll be a waste product too wasted to enjoy it.
Preparing to Die/ End-of-Life Info
The major causes of death are old age, coronary heart disease, stroke, cancer, Alzheimer's disease, diseases of the major organs (liver, kidneys, lungs, pancreas, etc), disease of the nervous system, other illnesses, accidents, suicide and murder.
Before birth, every human being came from somewhere unknown. After death, we all return there wherever it is so why mourn death?
You're just going back home from whence you came. You should be thankful for your life while you have it. When close ones die, I try not to mourn because it's a natural part of life. Life is for the living.
I must keep on until my time comes then walk into the ether as a mature man who accepts his death.
Death is not sad, it's a natural part of life. The sad thing is that most people don't live while they're alive. They just exist in mundane lives with no inspired highs to them.
They're spiritually dead by virtue of the dull lives they live. Each day that passes is one day closer to your death which is why you should cherish your life all the more and treat every day as a special day.
To be vibrantly alive right up until your death is to have lived as great a life as possible. The greatest dignity of death is the dignity of the life that has preceded it. Go gently into that good night in peace knowing you've lived a good life.
Don't deny it. Say good bye to your loved ones, acknowledge them then surrender peacefully to the easy feeling of permanent sleep. Take care of your legal, financial and personal affairs.
Grief typically involves four stages—shock, denial, depression and withdrawal and acceptance. You can grieve for your own future death.
Talk about your feelings.
Do healthy, positive activities.
Avoid caffeine and alcohol because they can add to your stress.
Relax.
Accept help from others.
Plan the future.
Get proper healthcare.
In Leo Tolstoy's story The Death of Ivan Illich, Ivan knows he's dying, everybody around him knows he's dying but they all play along with the delusion that he's gonna get better and everything will be fine.
If you know you're dying, don't play this game. Accept it, acknowledge it, take care of your business then face the end in peace.
From the religious, spiritual view, virtually every ideology out there assumes we're immortal beings and that death is simply a rebirth into another plane of existence.
The eastern religious tradition views life as a process of self-realization to perfection generally through reincarnation to eventually reach satori and merge back with the spiritual energy of life known as the universal life force or the cosmic consciousness.
The western religious tradition generally has a code of conduct like the Ten Commandments which you must follow to be like God to try to become perfect like Him, a good, ethical person striving to be a compassionate, loving human being so you can eventually get to Heaven after being judged worthy and live in bliss with all the other good, worthy spiritual creatures there.
Both religious viewpoints plus virtually all of New Ageism assert that we're spiritual beings living in physical bodies which will be cast off at some point as our souls continue on to bigger and better things.
Whether it's true or not no one will know until shortly after death which will either be permanent sleep or a movement to another plane of existence.
Either way, it's the best way to approach death, to think as though there's something after and you're going on to meet a Higher Consciousness in some form.
The easiest way to face death is to accept it kinda like the old guy in Caligula, the story about Roman emperor Ceasar, who explored the process out loud as he crossed over. Make a conscious determination to live a great life until the moment of your death.
If you're lucky, you'll accept your death and your last few days will be peaceful. The more you connect death with a process of transformation into another phase of the journey, the happier you'll be.
Your loved ones will either try to push it away or reassure you somehow. Give them leeway because death is a tough deal in our society although other societies deify it because they presume the soul is gone on to a better life in Heaven somewhere.
Death should be a peaceful, primal act yet modern death in a hospital and then the capitalist burial ceremony seems too sterile and packaged for this natural process.
It should be less structured, more peaceful and contemplative, kinda like ashes to ashes, dust to dust, returning to the lifeforce from whence you came.
Your body will wear out and fail at some point in time in a process called old age, a major cause of death. If you live to three score and ten years as it says in the Bible, you've beaten the odds, you've lived 70 years, a full life by anybody's standards today and in all of past history. To accept it with dignity when it comes is to die a peaceful death.
Death is often filled with intense emotional trauma for everyone involved, the one dying, the ones who love him and the acquaintances who have to deal with it.
Enlightened people minimize the drama by accepting their inevitable deaths as part of the life process and instructing their loved ones not to mourn but to accept the death and go on living as great lives as they can because their time too will be up someday.
If there's an afterlife, we may meet again but until then, move on, simply keep on living because it's all we got. If you take care of yourself, you'll have a long, happy, healthy life.
If you don't, you'll go to the hospital with some disease like Alzheimer's, heart disease or cancer, they'll hook you up to all kinds of medical technology which may cure you for the moment but you as a holistic unit will still be out of balance so unless you find your own internal balance by taking care of yourself, you'll eventually end up in one of those God awful sterile hospital rooms connected to all kinds of things where you'll die.
My point is to be natural about it, live a good healthy life now. When you get sick, sure go to the hospital and get some help but don't fight it too much.
Go home, continue doing what you've been doing, living an inspired life then when the time comes, it'll be at home, in peace, doing what you love to do surrounded by people you love in a natural setting where you belong.
Dying is a process, death the destination, why not look forward to it in peace. Imagine a big white room with no windows or doors in it. You're in the middle laying on a big white bed. How do you feel about this situation?
Does it seem peaceful or stifling? Some psychologist somewhere says that this simple test is your unconscious projection of what you feel about death.
It should be peaceful, relaxed and calm. Dying is natural. You can do it well, especially if you've lived long, happy and healthy. Look at it as your soul leaving your body to enter the next stage in the evolution of your life.
Nobody really knows the great secrets of the Universe if, in fact, they exist at all. The mystery of life after death is something we can only find out at death if there's anything there. If not, we're dead, so what, no consciousness, we can't feel anything anyway, it's finally over.
The Dying Process 1
Based on everything I've seen about death (the Bill Moyer's TV series for PBS (pbs.org), many religious books, The Tibetian Book of the Dead, books on grief and bereavement, academic books and even inspirational books dealing with death), I've come to four major conclusions about the dying process:
Firstly, contemplation of aging and death regardless of age is a wise thing to do because it helps you see your life crystal clear right now, come to the right conclusions about what's real and it should help keep you focussed on living a full, passionate life.
If you knew today was your last day or the next contact you have with someone is your last ever, how many trivial things would this eliminate from your life.
Live for soul like you're about to die and it should cut all the bull out of your life. Live purely doing nothing against your conscience and you'll be ready to die anytime.
The length of life doesn't matter so much as depth and quality, being true to yourself throughout. Live like this and you can look death in the face at any time and let it take you with no qualms whatsoever.
To be ready to die frees us from all bondage. We as humans are aware of our future deaths. We should accept this as a great gift from the Universe.
Animals don't know any better. They don't see it coming which is why we should be thankful we know and use this knowledge to live great, inspired lives.
Don't be afraid to die and you'll live a great life. Everybody dies, so what. Maybe we're fully conscious of entering another state of consciousness into a great life or maybe it's a peaceful time of permanent sleep. Either way, you're finally going home for the last time as far as life on planet Earth is concerned.
Secondly, youth is a gift of nature, aging gracefully, a work of art. Just because you now have a snow capped mountain for a head, life shouldn't really be all that different for you. Your consciousness aka your soul stays the same throughout your entire lifetime.
Aging is just a more peaceful phase of the vitality of youth. Never stop your sense of awe, curiosity and wonder about the world nor your striving, enchantment, love, adventure and passion for life. If you were running a race, logic would tell you to run faster near the end not slow down.
Thirdly, death is a natural part of life just as a leaf falls off a tree yet we humans make it out to be such a great, sad tragedy. Dying's a part of living.
Whatever nature creates is good and right therefore natural death at the end of a long life is good and right. If you live a good full life now, you'll be ready when it comes, as natural and calm as a leaf falling off a tree.
Do not mourn the death of loved ones or even your own future death. Accept it as passing onto the next stage of life, the next level of consciousness. Just like an apple ripens then falls off a tree, let your life ripen then go to sleep.
Fourthly, just about all wise people throughout history have chosen to believe that our bodies are just containers for our souls which are part of a Universal Lifeforce/ Godhead which we merge with at death to enter the next level of consciousness. To believe in the infinite is the best way to go.
To accept physical death as part of the natural order where you transition into a spiritual plane is the way to live your life and deal with it when it comes. Think of death as the soul coming to full bloom leaving the body behind.
We're all uncertain, that's for sure yet we all want comfort about our deaths. I can't give it to you, you have to find it within yourself. We just don't know whether death will be nothingness, great evil like Hell or the greatest thing that ever happened to us in some sort of Heaven.
A full life lived with gusto, goodness and passion will make you feel righteously spent as you age, that you got it out of your system whatever it was in your soul that you were born with that made you and made you strive to do something with it to get it out and do something good, inspiring and helpful to yourself and for humanity.
To have this feeling of a life well lived is the greatest prize then simply approach death as the next part of the natural order, either a time for sleep or a time for the next adventure.
Whichever way you choose to think about it should be irrelevant since the goal is to approach death with peace in your soul. Do as I do, contemplate both options, make peace with them then forget about them as you live your life fully until the bitter end.
Make peace with death and simply know that the time for living is now so go do it, live your life so you'll be ready when it's time to lay down and go for that final sleep.
The two things that people hate most about dying is the pain near the time of physical death plus the denial by everybody around them who don't wanna deal with it and act like the person is gonna recover and live forever.
Pain has become a major vital sign in treating terminal patients. The medical community strives to make them comfortable and send them home if possible although the problem is that professional home health care is not covered by most health insurance plans so many patients stay in the hospital and die there in that awful, sterile environment.
If you have family and friends who can take care of you at home, it's better than staying in the hospital.
Palliative care is the term used to denote the medical team at the hospital who oversee dying patients made up of doctors, nurses, aides, psychiatrists, social workers, death specialists, etc.
They try to heal people, keep them alive then when all else fails, go for comfort. Hospice or homecare is the last stage where it's terminal and you go there for comfort during your last days.
Death is tough to deal with. Doctors may seem harsh but they have to tell loved ones when it's useless and the plug should be pulled. Everybody fears death. You can't practice for it. Your best bet is to make peace with it and let it come when it happens.
If you're gonna die, you should either write a letter or make a video to all people you deem important to be seen after your death. If someone you love has died, you should write them a closing letter then symbolically burn it.
The Dying Process 2
Freud's concept of the unconscious mind asserts that the body knows when it's getting ready to terminate, hence, it creates delusions near that time to deal with this inevitable demise.
These illusions are beautiful images of the person's view of heaven or a beautiful, peaceful place where one possibly talks to deceased relatives, pets and encounters a powerful, white glowing entity known as God.
I won't judge, you decide for yourself what you want to believe in but the fact is that many people who know they will die shortly start to fantasize and create or live in this other world that I'll call the other side.
For some, it's a garden where their friends are, for others it's a surrealistic or heavenly place where they meet all their deceased friends and relatives, talk to them and prepare to be with them permanently. Some people have dreams where they see this afterlife and deceased relatives who gently prepare them for death.
Many of these people have one foot in reality and one foot in this so-called other side. They may not admit it when they talk to you but let out clues in the way they talk that refers to their fantasizing about the afterlife, heaven, call it what you will, i.e., going home, going to meet my father, going to meet my maker, going to be with my wife, going to heaven, going to happyland, going to sleep, going to meet Jesus, etc. so if you see your grandpa seemingly talking to himself or happy, you know his head is on the other side.
These people who believe in the afterlife and are preparing to enter it are much more at peace than others who have no such concepts or beliefs.
They often push relatives away because they don't want to subject them to the pain of their deaths and they themselves don't want to see their relatives in pain because, in their hearts, they feel liberated because they know they'll soon be going home.
It's all interesting stuff and several people heave made fortunes by writing books about their alleged near death experiences.
Whether there really is an afterlife is irrelevant but what is important is how we choose to deal with our impending deaths. Will we choose despair or choose to delude ourselves with some joyful thoughts of paradise?
It seems clear to me that it's good to fool yourself and make your last little bit of time more pleasant rather than simply dwell on the fact that you'll really be gone for good.
Dying is a painful event that no one can avoid. When it happens in old age, it's alright because the person has lived his life and has had ample time to achieve his God given purpose on Earth, however, when it happens earlier such as to a child or a young adult, it seems unfair and we grieve extra hard.
Everybody will die which is all the more reason why you should strive to make your life meaningful now. Death is part of the life cycle. It's that simple. We must accept it when it happens.
You can even reverse the death process with the mind/ body connection. Check out some books in the holistic medicine section at the library, #615.5-8, for example, books by Norman Cousins on how he beat cancer with his mind by laughing himself well.
Hospices are one step up from hospitals but home health care is still best if you have a family who cares for you. If you're dying or you know someone who's dying, unless it's imperative that they stay in the hospital, quite simply, tell the doctors that you would like to die at home and make the proper arrangements to get out and continue with some kind of medical care at home.
You might confront ethical dilemmas like consider letting them die rather than endure the pain in the limited state they're living in.
Think long and hard before you decide on any mercy killing or assisted suicide scheme. Death is part of life. You must educate yourself about it.
Find solace in religion and books that deal with the spiritual aspects of the near death experience. When you feel death is near, take everyone close to you in by themselves and tell them good bye in your own way. Have all your paperwork ready and in order.
Have your funeral arrangements ready. You might want the family with you in the same room or you might want to be with just your spouse or alone when you die. It's up to you. I say spare them the indignities, keep your death simple and private. The best way to die is in your sleep if possible, just never wake up.
Once he dies, wait awhile and make sure he's dead because EMS will just cart him away even if he still could be alive. It's your choice to either call EMS, the local hospice, the undertaker directly or in over 37 states, you're allowed to keep the body at home and do your own funeral.
Accept the death of the body and try to believe that the soul is off in another, better place. Take time for grief and bereavement.
If you're a young person with kids and are diagnosed with a terminal disease, make video-tapes for them to watch as they grow up. Get all the paperwork in order.
A good book on the subject is Deathing: An Intelligent Alternative to the Final Moments of Life by Anya Foos-Graber.
There is a museum of death in San Diego.
The Dying Process 3
Death is God’s ultimate revenge.
A lot of people who are dying require home nursing care, help with transportation and personal care.
People are relying increasingly on paid workers to provide the nonmedical care needed by family members who are dying.
Hospice care is a life-af?rming approach to caring for people who are in the ?nal phase of a terminal illness. The focus is on relieving pain and controlling other symptoms. In general, a person becomes eligible to enter a hospice program when a doctor has determined that he or she has 6 months or less to live and refers him or her to a hospice program. Family members, friends, clergy, or healthcare professionals also can make referrals.
Death is a taboo that almost no one wants to talk about. It seems so morbid, final and empty; to die and be put in the ground where your body rots. Does your consciousness go on or not?
I don’t care if it does or not. I’ll deal with it when I die. I live right now, moment by moment. I know I’ll die someday. I’ll deal with God and the afterlife then when it happens. I can handle my future death by living my life now but death is still sad when I lose people and pets I love.
You can’t get away from feeling sad. You have to grieve and rthen move on. The departed one wants you to continue on to live a full life. You must find new spouses, lovers, friends and pets. That’s the way to live.
Discuss your final wishes with your family.
Talk with your family about what steps you want them to take if you become so incapacitated that you are being kept alive by machines.
Prepare a living will.
Prepare a will for yourself.
Live as though you have 30 days to live.
Answer the following questions to help you undrestand death more:
What is death?
What forms of death have you experienced?
What are your religious beliefs about death?
How does your spiritual life prepare you for death?
What unfinished business do you have left on earth?
Write your own eulogy.
Are you satisfied that you’re a good person who tried to live a decen t life?
Learn to accept death as part of life.
The Dying Process 4
Even in the midst of the death process, there can still be good, close, intimate times, often when you least expect them.
People who are dying and their loved ones often get closer and more intense as they go through the process. Pretenses might go as they get real with each other.
You can have wonderful times together. When some people know they’re going to die, they will often get upbeat and brave for one short burst of energy to wish everybody good bye before they pass on. Others become resigned, accept it calmly and simply wait until it overtakes them.
Some people want to stop their medication. It’s almost as though they don’t feel pain anymore. They’ve made peace with their lives, talked to God and are ready to go off into the ether.
They are warm and loving and feel at ease. They feel strong and do things they hadn’t been able to do for the previous several months. They say what’s on their minds, feel glorious for a few hours or days, share things with their lovers, make their peace then pass.
People die much the same way they lived. Mundane people die mundane. Mean people stay mean. Deathbed epiphanies or cosmic resolutions are not really all that common except in movies.
Even deathbed apologies and confessions could be met with indifference and cynicism. If your father was mean to you all his life then suddenly breaks down on his deathbed and tells you he wishes he had been a better father, perhaps all those memories of him beating you as a kid will stop you from greeting him with open-armed absolution.
The popular notion of closure is largely a media created myth. People cannot suddenly forget the way you treated them for the past twenty or more years to all of a sudden be warm, loving and at ease.
Even though the final hours of life can be a deeply intimate experience, these fleeting moments rarely allow for the conflicts of the past to be brought up and perfectly smoothed over.
If you feel like a klutz now for having caused misery to your spouse or children in the past, try to resolve it before you're on your deathbed.
You can do it gradually, getting closer and closer to your relatives over time unlike when you’re on your deathbed and everything is happening so fast.
The truth is the best medicine. Come clean
with each other. It’s a two-way street. If your father asks forgiveness for being a louse while you were growing up, tell him you weren’t exactly a good son either, doing things to try to get back at him for his behavior, harboring bad thoughts against them which you should have let go a long time ago.
You can’t change the past and probably can’t forgive him completely but by speaking honestly man to man, you will both come to a mutual understanding which is the best you can do.
Don’t try too hard for the full resolution. Say what’s on your mind and that’s it. Better still, say it now while your relative is still in good health.
There was a documentary on TV about a grandfather who molested several of his grandchildren and then after he was sentenced to jail, the grandmother denied it right to her deathbed.
With some people, why bother trying to say something or resolve an issue? They’re stuck in their delusion and won’t change so why bring the stress on yourself by confronting them. Write them off. Forget it. Move on.
The time for love is now while you’re going strong not when you or someone close is about to die. It is naive to think that anything we say on a deathbed will have much meaning or change other people. Speak your piece if you think you must for your own peace of mind but not because you think it will suddenly make everything alright somehow.
Most people are sure that they’re going to another place somewhere in their version of Heaven. There a few atheists around who think they’ll rot in the ground but not too many. These beliefs, regardless of whether they’re true or not help put dying people at peace and unafraid about it.
They’re then ready for whatever happens. As a Christian, you should forgive everybody and hold no anger. Bravely wait for God to come get you.
It’s common for loved ones to feel hurt or abandoned when the dying person has accepted his fate and is ready to go. They feel as though this person wants to die and is leaving them behind. This is just their way of coping with their impending deaths.
When a loved one says he has had enough and is ready to die, be ready because what the mind wants, the body often obliges. Accept it, have your period of grief then honor his memory by living a full life from then on.
In order to protect loved ones, some people get distant because they want to spare them the intense emotions of watching a loved one die.
This is why I suspect the Indian legends of folklore have the elders going off into the woods to die alone when they sense that their time has come.
The relatives and caregivers do this too in order to avoid the intense emotions that often accompany the impending deaths of their loved ones. They don’t wanna break down and have a big, old cryfest right there both full well knowing there’s nothing they can do about it.
Regardless of how a loved one is approaching death, whether they’re resigned to their fate or struggling desperately to stay alive until the bitter end, your task as caregiver and lover, is to make them as comfortable as possible while they go off into that good night in their own way.
Say your piece, give them an opportunity to say whatever they want then offer physical and emotional comfort by your very presence.
Help your loved one die wherever he or she wishes to. If they’re at a hospital, nursing home or hospice and want to die, get them there any way you can.
Myself, I want to die out in the country in the midst of nature because that’s where I came from. My best memories as a kid were out in nature, in the forest by the lake so I plan to buy a house in a wooded area as I get old and live there until I pass away. If I get sick and know it’s time, I won’t even contact the hospital, I’ll just sit it out and let it come.
Some people prefer to die in a hospice because it’s more personable than a hospital, they’re not trying to save you as they would in a hospital and they have the people there to take care of your basic needs such as food, pain medication and bowel movements which you spare your relatives from having to do at home. It makes things easier for your relatives all around.
Your main task is to help create a comfortable
space for the person who is dying regardless of the place, be it at home, the hospice or at the hospital. Create a comfortable environment physically.
Obviously, home is the ideal place. The person is more comfortable in familiar surroundings, has privacy, there’s less noise, has things like a phone and TV at his fingertips, is surrounded by loved ones and controls his surroundings and destiny somewhat.
If he wants flowers in the room or wants a pizza, he can do these things in peace unhassled by the outside world. He’s gonna die. If he ain’t gonna do what he wants now, what’s the sense of living then?
A key philospohical turning point in the medical care of an individual is when the focus shifts from prolonging life to keeping the patient comfortable.
Control the flow of visitors. Just because someone is dying doesn’t necessarily means he wants to see all his relatives and acquaintance some of whom he hasn’t seen for over 20 years and probably doesn’t like all that much.
Keep it real. Let him spend time with who he wants and if he wants to be alone, leave him in peace. Just tell visitors this is not a good time. He’s in pain. Could you come back in a couple of days.
Even while someone is dying, they still have their identities and dignity. A guy who was a teacher, doctor or leader in some capacity will resent being made to feel like the dependent one.
Give him his dignity and independence. Talk to him as if he’s still the wise, old sage and ask him a few patronizing questions acting as though you’re mining him for his wisdom.
Try to remove the spector of death from the situation as much as possible. I can’t help but remember Leo Tolstoy’s story about the death of Ivan Illich, a guy everybody knew was dying, even him, yet they all denied it and acted as though he’d recover and be footloose and fancy-free again.
Even if you all know he’s dying, try to act like normal every once in awhile to get off the death bit for awhile. If he’s a real human being, he’ll be relieved that you’re not focussing on his death all the time. After all, we’re all gonna die sometime so what’s the big deal.
If you can die at home as opposed to in a war, car accident, a terrorist bombing or the victim of a crime, what more do you want?
Dying people need to feel needed. I remember my sick, old grandmother persistent in her efforts to cook meals, wash clothes and even make clothes none of which us kids would ever wear because we thought they were too corny but my mother let her do it to give her the illusion that she was doing something constructive.
Some dying people want to be alone reminiscent of the old lion who leaves the pride to die alone with dignity in peace. Others don’t want to die alone. They want somebody there at all times.
Relatives and caregivers have mixed feelings too. Some want to be there at death. Others don’t. In any case, be as loving as dependable as you can in your own way.
Being present at the moment of death is not as important as having lived a full, happy life with this person and told them you loved them near the end.
Stay calm. Try to avoid a hysterical scene, a grand scene where everybody congregates at the house, many of whom don’t even know the dying person just there to make the scene or a partying scene where Uncle Joe is dying in the bedroom upstairs while everybody is downstairs drinking, pretending to mourn but in actuality having a great, old fun time.
There could be family conflicts that are right beneath the surface when everybody gathers at the house to pay their last respects. A brother who hasn’t seen the sister that badmouthed his wife in over ten years maybe can’t stand being in the same room with her. Be ready for this kinda stuff.
The thing about death is if it comes suddenly, we’re shocked. If it comes slowly, we’re all tired out. Death is not like it is in the movies. There is usually no great final scene of dignity, resolution and grace while violins play in the background.
It’s considerably more mundane, like an ant dying. The Earth doesn’t skip a beat. He dies. Life all around goes on as normal. That’s the way it is.
For some people, death happens while asleep, obviously the way most people want to go. For others, it’s traumatic. They lose control, gasp for their last, few breaths or writhe in pain. If an individual has a lung disorder, a respirator could offset this painful way to die by giving the patient enough oxygen such that this isn’t the cause of death but something else is.
Some people furiously lash out as though in a futile attempt to fight death. If there’s a lot of pain, pile the pain and sleep medication on in order to ease the burden, with the patient’s consent, of course.
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